2020 - A Year of New Beginnings

           "Joy to the world, the Lord has come..."

           "Hark the Herald angel sing glory to the new born king..."

           As joyful and nostalgic as those songs may seem, we are all caught up between hello and goodbye every new year. While everyone was singing those songs with smile on their faces as we walked out the church last January 1, I noticed something on my mother's face.

          I asked her - "Ma, bakit?" She answered - "Grabe no, ang tagal na ng kantang yan pero ang sarap pa ring pakinggan, bata pa ko kasama ko pa ang tatay ko naririnig ko na yan, matanda pa yata sa akin yang kantang yan e, bilis talaga ng panahon." Somehow I felt both her joy and a pinch of sadness in her heart. Joy because we all have these childhood memories in our hearts every Christmas but there is still sadness because we know that we are all aging and our days are limited... and we both felt that. My mother is 71 years old and I'm nearing 45 with cancer cells inside my body just waiting to be reborn once it's triggered.  

          Year 2019 has been the toughest year for me. It has once again tested my endurance and faith to God as I have questioned HIM why  all those things had to happen. With God's guidance through some people constantly reminding me of God's grace, somehow I understand why those things had to happen. When you experience the saddest, the downest, the lowest point in your life there's no other way but to look up. I'm still on the process of healing and recovering but I'm okay now. I know that God has redirected my life last year to a better and brighter path in the coming years.

          So this year, all I want is a fresh start, a renewed heart to worship our Lord. No set of goals. No dreams to fulfill. Just a new beginnings for a new decade.

Gift from our Pastor

           With this bible verse Psalm 90:12, " Teach us to number our days that we may gain a heart of wisdom " let us be reminded that our days here on earth are numbered. We are once again given another new day to live, a new year to start, and another new decade to gain a heart of wisdom and to glorify God.

Happy New Year to all !!!

To God Be the Glory

P.S - my post about my battle on depression was put on hold for a while as I can't still hold back my tears whenever I write my experience about it.

How I Overcome Depression Part 1 - Understanding Depression

         Hello Philippines and Hello Blogging World!!!

It's been a while since I last wrote a post, "alam nyo naman may pinagdaanan tayo."

It took me a little while again to be at a right frame of mind to write another post here.

But before I get to my topic let me greet you all 

"A Blessed Merry Christmas and a Prosperous New Year."

and share to you a great news and an advance Christmas gift from God, 

"Nag clear na po ang CT Scan ko, CA 125 is in normal range level at pati Xray ko po clear na rin."

         My last post is about anxiety and depression that I went through for the last few months. It is actually an emotional pain which is twice more than the physical pain that our body can suffer whenever we experience it. Yes two times or more, simply because it takes both mental and physical resistance to battle our emotions. Most of the times, we actually know what is right and easily say what should be the right thing to do but our hearts can't actually accept that fact and our physical body won't respond with what our mind is telling us to do. True enough, I've been there-done that process.

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        I usually say "Ano ba yan, ang tanga naman nya, ang sarap kayang mabuhay tapos sila magsu-suicide lang, eh mayaman naman sya, maganda rin at mayaman pa." or ano ba yan lalaki lang yan,? or ano ba yan ang babaw naman nya, para yan lang ang problema nya, or lastly, "Ang pangit pangit naman nya bakit mo sya iniiyakan?" Sorry for the harsh words but I was really that kind of person before. I have witnessed twice when somebody attempted suicide and I was speechless and couldn't say a word to them to encourage them because at the back of my head I was thinking, "ang bababaw naman nitong mga taong ito."

        That was before but when I experienced it three months ago - my point of view changed. When I learned about my boyfriend cheating on me and breaking up on him, somehow triggered all my frustrations and disappointments in life again, questioning GOD why it had to happen to me. I ask HIM what did I do wrong that I had to undergo all those sufferings. I was suffering silently and keeping everything all by myself. Getting up in the morning and taking a bath is so hard. I couldn't barely walk outside, whenever I look around it felt so lonely. I couldn't find any reason or purpose of my existence on earth as I have been telling God, "Lord, bakit di ko makita ang sarili ko, para saan pa?, para ano pa ang mabuhay? I couldn't sleep for a whole month & I couldn't eat for almost two months. My body weight lost almost 3 kgs and my mind has been restless since then. "Yung tipong lutang ka physically and mentally pero parang may nakadagan na sampung kilo sa dibdib , isang pitik lang sa akin tutumba na ko, paulit ulit yung feeling of worthlessness ko to the point na ipinagdarasal ko na kunin na ko ni Lord konti na lang mag-snap na yung utak at kapag nag-snap there's a possibility of losing my mind and myself also.

        Now I understand why there are people who suffer depression. It so hard to battle depression because the battle is inside YOU. You should fight your own emotion to reinforce your physical condition. Without food, sleep and other physical activity that our body needs, our mental state will definitely suffer giving into the worst emotion that can finally trigger our own self to give up on life.

      That's depression and it needs understanding first to know what we're going through and encouragement to support us as we go to the process of healing.

      This is purely base on my personal experience and I hope it can help others to understand what a person is going through in times of depression.

Till then.

Have a great day ahead!

God Bless Everyone.

More than the Physical Pain

       After my surgical operation and chemotherapy sessions I actually went into depression and anxiety. I've been fighting my own feelings not to feel bad about my condition. During those days, I sometimes felt that everything was worthless, senseless and pointless in life. I wanted to find God's purpose in life but at the same time I was also seeking my own. I was also anxious about my health condition - the fear of reccurence often triggers my own sadness. I wanted to get busy and that gave me an idea to run a sari sari store. At first I was happy that little by little I was getting financially productive not realizing that I was also compromising my health and my lovelife as well.
   
     Yes po my lovelife po ako, it was a long distance relationship which was moved to another level when my OB Gyne advised me that it would be best if I get pregnant but it didn't happen. When I was diagnosed with cancer my whole world went upside down. I was pushing him away telling him--"pede mo na akong iwan, pede ka ng humanap ng iba."  But He insisted- "andito lang ako, mahal na mahal kita basta pagaling ka." I hold on to his words and we were constantly chatting after one year but last year I became quite busy with my sari sari store and unintentionally neglected most of his messages  and his calls.
Subconsciously in my head I was actually testing him, how patient he can be and how far his love would go for me. We had a different religion which was primarily the reason why our relationship was not moved to the next level. We respect each others belief as he would let me go to Quiapo church while He waits outside. He wanted to accompany me to Manoag but often rejected his offer to go there. I would pray to God, "Kung di sya para sa akin, ikaw gumawa ng paraan."

       And then it happened, I notice something different in his attitude last month - "Sabi ko, may bago sa yo". We've been in a relationship for almost 8 years, he's a seaman and usually 3-6 months lang sya dito so most of the time long distance relationship kami. At nung nagka-cancer ako that was also the time na nagkaron ng heart illness ang tatay nya at lupus ang kapatid nya so financially he was not able to support me but he was there for me all through out my treatment bringing fruits and supplements in our house." But I felt something different talaga and when I confronted Him sabi nya nagkaron ng iba pero tapos na raw, sabi nya ako raw ang may kasalanan kasi pinagtutulakan ko sya. And I felt guilty about it so I asked him to compromise but I received no response from Him. 

     I suffered both emotionally and psychologically, I couldn't eat and sleep for a month thinking it was my fault kaya lumayo ang loob nya sa akin. But last Satiurday, I found out something in his FB account. Meron na nga talagang iba, I felt so devastated and the pain is unbearable talaga. 
More than the physical pain that I felt when I underwent surgery and chemotherapy is what I have been suffering today. Sobrang sakit and I often pray to God na matanggal na ang sakit na nararamdaman ko. This time my depression went back,- the feeling of being worthless, senseless and pointless in life is inside my head again.
 
      It's hurting so deep that I've been silently crying for a month and last week my mother already noticed what I've been going through. In my head I wanted to set him free but in my heart I wanted to win him back. My mother convinced me that I have to give him up, that I have to let him go, he was able to do it once he will do it again. "Anak, mas mahalin mo ang sarili mo, hindi sya ang forever mo ako na nanay mo ang forever mo ang magmamahal sa yo hanggang sa dulo." "Hayaan mong ang Diyos ang magbigay sa yo ng lalaking tunay na magmamahal sa yo."

     Today, my health was affected by the emotional and psychological stress that I've experienced for a month. I was so thin that My body weight went down to 45 kgs already. A polyps in  my gallbladder was seen in ultrasound. CT Scan, CA125 and X-ray we're required to be done next month. I hope that my health condition will not worsen and pray for best results.

     "Ang lungkot talaga ng nararamdaman ko ngayon" and it's the reason why I wrote this blog. I couldn't conceal the pain inside, I need some release. Medyo magulo po ang write ups ko, magulo rin po kasi ang utak ko. pagpacenciahan nyo na po.



Till then!


   

Life's Update (July 2019) - Thank God it's False Alarm

          Hello Philippines and Hello blogging world! How are you guys! Here I go again sharing my life here. As much as possible I want to forget my past illness because of my fear of its recurrence but it went back last May. Here's what happened:

First Diagnosis - It was last May 28 when I noticed a mass in the lower part of my abdomen so I promptly went to the nearest clinic in our area the next day. So after checking up the mass in my abdomen and hearing the background of my previous illness, automatically the doctor noted his diagnosis "Tumor recurrence" in the prescription pad. So I prayed, "Lord wag naman po sanang bumalik si Big C, break na nga kami e."

Second Diagnosis - I was alarmed with the first diagnosis so I immediately reported it to my Ob-gyne in San Juan de Dios the next day but upon checking my abdomen, my doctor told me that her diagnosis was not tumor recurrence but "Hernia". Though it was only an initial diagnosis, It was such a relief, knowing that it was only "hernia or luslos". Iff such finding is confirmed,  minor operation is needed to remove it. I thought to myself that maybe it was my fault - "kung kasalanan man ang maging masipag, aminado ako".My mother is constantly reminding me - wag abusuhin ang sarili." but I also assured her that I'm okay.  I thought probably because of my going back and forth routine to the supermarket, carrying loaded groceries and lifting my nephew and niece cause the occurrence of "hernia" in the lower part of my abdomen. So I prayed again, thank you Lord, maysakit man ako atleast magaan ang pagdadaanan ko. I was able to sleep soundly that night because of that second diagnosis.

Third Diagnosis - I reported to my oncologist in the San Juan de Dios the next morning.  She checked my abdomen and noticed something new - "there's a palpitation above the abdominal mass" and so she noted her findings as "abdominal aortic aneurysm". It took me a while to absorb what I've heard but later I realize the possibility of having that kind of illness since my father also have a heart aneurysm and he's been going back and forth to Philippine Heart Center to monitor the size of the bulge in his aorta. My oncologist noticed my reaction changed and told me not to worry, a whole abdominal ultrasound is needed to confirm her findings. I was not able to sleep well that night, I prayed and ask God to give me strength and wisdom to face this new trial in my life.

Fourth Diagnosis - A whole abdominal ultrasound was perform to me the next day. It was the technician who performed it first and she told me that she didn't notice any solid mass in my abdomen. I told her to repeat it so I was instructed to drink more water again. It was the doctor who performed the second ultrasound, I insisted that there's a solid mass in my abdomen and her reply was "wala talaga". So I asked again, what is that solid mass in my abdomen that I always notice? - her answer --"poopoo". She smiled "poopoo" daw talaga. With confusion, I asked her again - then why is it that it is always present in that particular area? - her answer gave me relief , "simply because it's where our descending colon is located. It was such a relief to find out what was inside that made me so worried for few days, "nakakapraning mag-isip di ba? So thankful to God with the result of ultrasound and finally after few days of sleepless nights I was able to sleep soundly and went back to my usual "palengke-grocery-tindahan routine"

          I waited for another month to publish this post because I needed to confirm the result of my tumor marker screening (CA125) which is done every three months and was schedule last July. I do not want to be too complacent with the result of my ultrasound and needed this test to monitor if there is any recurrence and thankful again that the result is "perfectly normal". It was the reaction of my oncologist and I was so happy when I heard it.

         It's quite costly, stressful and mentally exhausting to undergo series of check ups and laboratories to monitor my health but as always the result gives me tranquility and relief to know that everything is okay.

        Thank God its false alarm...Thank God Im okay...Thank God for letting me live a simple life again. and thank you all for including me in your prayers. Truly, God is so amazing!

Till then.
Have a great weekend!
God Bless.

Life's Update (May 2019) - Facing Mr. Big C Again?

          Hi guys, sorry I haven't been around in this blogging sphere for a while. I am really getting so so tired lately that I have no energy to write another post. But still I miss writing down all my life experiences here. So here are some updates about my life and health condition today:

           • Let me share some good news first – The result of my tumor marker screening (CA 125) is within the normal range (less than 4) and my doctor is happy with the result. I’ll have my monitoring check up/ lab result every three months.

           •  Some bad news  too - I think my scoliosis is getting worse. When levoscoliosis appeared on my CT scan result, my oncologist referred me to the PT department, and I was required to undergo 6 theraphy session for 2 weeks. I only did one theraphy session, ang mahal po kasi - each session costs 900++ (discounted price na). After that 6 PT session xray and ultrasound will be required before the doctor recommends another set of PT. Actually, my therapist notice something in my back which means that I have 2 kinds of scoliosis kaya baka daw mag letter S ang spinal ko. 
          Another reason why I didn't continue my theraphy is the transportation, nakakapagod mag commute at ang daming overpass mong lalakarin para lang makatawid kaya wala ring sense yung theraphy kasi napagod lang akong mag commute, di ba? Anyway, I'm planning to inquire in the hospital near our area, our neighbor mentioned to us that there's a physical rehabilitation center in that hospital.
   
          •  Another good news - Although my father was diagnosed with heart aneurysm last year, his bypass operation was postponed, check up is required every 3 months to monitor the size of the "buldge' in one of the major vessel of his heart. " Kahit papano nagkaron ako ng relief  knowing my father's condition  is not so critical.

         •  And another bad news - I notice a mass in my abdominal area so I went to the clinic a while ago and the doctor confirmed it. He told me that there's a possibility that my cancer metastasize. I told him that my CA 125 is always within the normal range, why is it that it was not detected? The doctor told me that there is a possibility that its a different cancer and a different tumor marker is needed. Well, I guess I'll be facing Mr. Big C again. Pray for me again guys.

Till then.
God Bless
Have a great day ahead!