How I Overcome Depression Part 1 - Understanding Depression

         Hello Philippines and Hello Blogging World!!!

It's been a while since I last wrote a post, "alam nyo naman may pinagdaanan tayo."

It took me a little while again to be at a right frame of mind to write another post here.

But before I get to my topic let me greet you all 

"A Blessed Merry Christmas and a Prosperous New Year."

and share to you a great news and an advance Christmas gift from God, 

"Nag clear na po ang CT Scan ko, CA 125 is in normal range level at pati Xray ko po clear na rin."

         My last post is about anxiety and depression that I went through for the last few months. It is actually an emotional pain which is twice more than the physical pain that our body can suffer whenever we experience it. Yes two times or more, simply because it takes both mental and physical resistance to battle our emotions. Most of the times, we actually know what is right and easily say what should be the right thing to do but our hearts can't actually accept that fact and our physical body won't respond with what our mind is telling us to do. True enough, I've been there-done that process.

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        I usually say "Ano ba yan, ang tanga naman nya, ang sarap kayang mabuhay tapos sila magsu-suicide lang, eh mayaman naman sya, maganda rin at mayaman pa." or ano ba yan lalaki lang yan,? or ano ba yan ang babaw naman nya, para yan lang ang problema nya, or lastly, "Ang pangit pangit naman nya bakit mo sya iniiyakan?" Sorry for the harsh words but I was really that kind of person before. I have witnessed twice when somebody attempted suicide and I was speechless and couldn't say a word to them to encourage them because at the back of my head I was thinking, "ang bababaw naman nitong mga taong ito."

        That was before but when I experienced it three months ago - my point of view changed. When I learned about my boyfriend cheating on me and breaking up on him, somehow triggered all my frustrations and disappointments in life again, questioning GOD why it had to happen to me. I ask HIM what did I do wrong that I had to undergo all those sufferings. I was suffering silently and keeping everything all by myself. Getting up in the morning and taking a bath is so hard. I couldn't barely walk outside, whenever I look around it felt so lonely. I couldn't find any reason or purpose of my existence on earth as I have been telling God, "Lord, bakit di ko makita ang sarili ko, para saan pa?, para ano pa ang mabuhay? I couldn't sleep for a whole month & I couldn't eat for almost two months. My body weight lost almost 3 kgs and my mind has been restless since then. "Yung tipong lutang ka physically and mentally pero parang may nakadagan na sampung kilo sa dibdib , isang pitik lang sa akin tutumba na ko, paulit ulit yung feeling of worthlessness ko to the point na ipinagdarasal ko na kunin na ko ni Lord konti na lang mag-snap na yung utak at kapag nag-snap there's a possibility of losing my mind and myself also.

        Now I understand why there are people who suffer depression. It so hard to battle depression because the battle is inside YOU. You should fight your own emotion to reinforce your physical condition. Without food, sleep and other physical activity that our body needs, our mental state will definitely suffer giving into the worst emotion that can finally trigger our own self to give up on life.

      That's depression and it needs understanding first to know what we're going through and encouragement to support us as we go to the process of healing.

      This is purely base on my personal experience and I hope it can help others to understand what a person is going through in times of depression.

Till then.

Have a great day ahead!

God Bless Everyone.

More than the Physical Pain

       After my surgical operation and chemotherapy sessions I actually went into depression and anxiety. I've been fighting my own feelings not to feel bad about my condition. During those days, I sometimes felt that everything was worthless, senseless and pointless in life. I wanted to find God's purpose in life but at the same time I was also seeking my own. I was also anxious about my health condition - the fear of reccurence often triggers my own sadness. I wanted to get busy and that gave me an idea to run a sari sari store. At first I was happy that little by little I was getting financially productive not realizing that I was also compromising my health and my lovelife as well.
   
     Yes po my lovelife po ako, it was a long distance relationship which was moved to another level when my OB Gyne advised me that it would be best if I get pregnant but it didn't happen. When I was diagnosed with cancer my whole world went upside down. I was pushing him away telling him--"pede mo na akong iwan, pede ka ng humanap ng iba."  But He insisted- "andito lang ako, mahal na mahal kita basta pagaling ka." I hold on to his words and we were constantly chatting after one year but last year I became quite busy with my sari sari store and unintentionally neglected most of his messages  and his calls.
Subconsciously in my head I was actually testing him, how patient he can be and how far his love would go for me. We had a different religion which was primarily the reason why our relationship was not moved to the next level. We respect each others belief as he would let me go to Quiapo church while He waits outside. He wanted to accompany me to Manoag but often rejected his offer to go there. I would pray to God, "Kung di sya para sa akin, ikaw gumawa ng paraan."

       And then it happened, I notice something different in his attitude last month - "Sabi ko, may bago sa yo". We've been in a relationship for almost 8 years, he's a seaman and usually 3-6 months lang sya dito so most of the time long distance relationship kami. At nung nagka-cancer ako that was also the time na nagkaron ng heart illness ang tatay nya at lupus ang kapatid nya so financially he was not able to support me but he was there for me all through out my treatment bringing fruits and supplements in our house." But I felt something different talaga and when I confronted Him sabi nya nagkaron ng iba pero tapos na raw, sabi nya ako raw ang may kasalanan kasi pinagtutulakan ko sya. And I felt guilty about it so I asked him to compromise but I received no response from Him. 

     I suffered both emotionally and psychologically, I couldn't eat and sleep for a month thinking it was my fault kaya lumayo ang loob nya sa akin. But last Satiurday, I found out something in his FB account. Meron na nga talagang iba, I felt so devastated and the pain is unbearable talaga. 
More than the physical pain that I felt when I underwent surgery and chemotherapy is what I have been suffering today. Sobrang sakit and I often pray to God na matanggal na ang sakit na nararamdaman ko. This time my depression went back,- the feeling of being worthless, senseless and pointless in life is inside my head again.
 
      It's hurting so deep that I've been silently crying for a month and last week my mother already noticed what I've been going through. In my head I wanted to set him free but in my heart I wanted to win him back. My mother convinced me that I have to give him up, that I have to let him go, he was able to do it once he will do it again. "Anak, mas mahalin mo ang sarili mo, hindi sya ang forever mo ako na nanay mo ang forever mo ang magmamahal sa yo hanggang sa dulo." "Hayaan mong ang Diyos ang magbigay sa yo ng lalaking tunay na magmamahal sa yo."

     Today, my health was affected by the emotional and psychological stress that I've experienced for a month. I was so thin that My body weight went down to 45 kgs already. A polyps in  my gallbladder was seen in ultrasound. CT Scan, CA125 and X-ray we're required to be done next month. I hope that my health condition will not worsen and pray for best results.

     "Ang lungkot talaga ng nararamdaman ko ngayon" and it's the reason why I wrote this blog. I couldn't conceal the pain inside, I need some release. Medyo magulo po ang write ups ko, magulo rin po kasi ang utak ko. pagpacenciahan nyo na po.



Till then!


   

Life's Update (July 2019) - Thank God it's False Alarm

          Hello Philippines and Hello blogging world! How are you guys! Here I go again sharing my life here. As much as possible I want to forget my past illness because of my fear of its recurrence but it went back last May. Here's what happened:

First Diagnosis - It was last May 28 when I noticed a mass in the lower part of my abdomen so I promptly went to the nearest clinic in our area the next day. So after checking up the mass in my abdomen and hearing the background of my previous illness, automatically the doctor noted his diagnosis "Tumor recurrence" in the prescription pad. So I prayed, "Lord wag naman po sanang bumalik si Big C, break na nga kami e."

Second Diagnosis - I was alarmed with the first diagnosis so I immediately reported it to my Ob-gyne in San Juan de Dios the next day but upon checking my abdomen, my doctor told me that her diagnosis was not tumor recurrence but "Hernia". Though it was only an initial diagnosis, It was such a relief, knowing that it was only "hernia or luslos". Iff such finding is confirmed,  minor operation is needed to remove it. I thought to myself that maybe it was my fault - "kung kasalanan man ang maging masipag, aminado ako".My mother is constantly reminding me - wag abusuhin ang sarili." but I also assured her that I'm okay.  I thought probably because of my going back and forth routine to the supermarket, carrying loaded groceries and lifting my nephew and niece cause the occurrence of "hernia" in the lower part of my abdomen. So I prayed again, thank you Lord, maysakit man ako atleast magaan ang pagdadaanan ko. I was able to sleep soundly that night because of that second diagnosis.

Third Diagnosis - I reported to my oncologist in the San Juan de Dios the next morning.  She checked my abdomen and noticed something new - "there's a palpitation above the abdominal mass" and so she noted her findings as "abdominal aortic aneurysm". It took me a while to absorb what I've heard but later I realize the possibility of having that kind of illness since my father also have a heart aneurysm and he's been going back and forth to Philippine Heart Center to monitor the size of the bulge in his aorta. My oncologist noticed my reaction changed and told me not to worry, a whole abdominal ultrasound is needed to confirm her findings. I was not able to sleep well that night, I prayed and ask God to give me strength and wisdom to face this new trial in my life.

Fourth Diagnosis - A whole abdominal ultrasound was perform to me the next day. It was the technician who performed it first and she told me that she didn't notice any solid mass in my abdomen. I told her to repeat it so I was instructed to drink more water again. It was the doctor who performed the second ultrasound, I insisted that there's a solid mass in my abdomen and her reply was "wala talaga". So I asked again, what is that solid mass in my abdomen that I always notice? - her answer --"poopoo". She smiled "poopoo" daw talaga. With confusion, I asked her again - then why is it that it is always present in that particular area? - her answer gave me relief , "simply because it's where our descending colon is located. It was such a relief to find out what was inside that made me so worried for few days, "nakakapraning mag-isip di ba? So thankful to God with the result of ultrasound and finally after few days of sleepless nights I was able to sleep soundly and went back to my usual "palengke-grocery-tindahan routine"

          I waited for another month to publish this post because I needed to confirm the result of my tumor marker screening (CA125) which is done every three months and was schedule last July. I do not want to be too complacent with the result of my ultrasound and needed this test to monitor if there is any recurrence and thankful again that the result is "perfectly normal". It was the reaction of my oncologist and I was so happy when I heard it.

         It's quite costly, stressful and mentally exhausting to undergo series of check ups and laboratories to monitor my health but as always the result gives me tranquility and relief to know that everything is okay.

        Thank God its false alarm...Thank God Im okay...Thank God for letting me live a simple life again. and thank you all for including me in your prayers. Truly, God is so amazing!

Till then.
Have a great weekend!
God Bless.

Life's Update (May 2019) - Facing Mr. Big C Again?

          Hi guys, sorry I haven't been around in this blogging sphere for a while. I am really getting so so tired lately that I have no energy to write another post. But still I miss writing down all my life experiences here. So here are some updates about my life and health condition today:

           • Let me share some good news first – The result of my tumor marker screening (CA 125) is within the normal range (less than 4) and my doctor is happy with the result. I’ll have my monitoring check up/ lab result every three months.

           •  Some bad news  too - I think my scoliosis is getting worse. When levoscoliosis appeared on my CT scan result, my oncologist referred me to the PT department, and I was required to undergo 6 theraphy session for 2 weeks. I only did one theraphy session, ang mahal po kasi - each session costs 900++ (discounted price na). After that 6 PT session xray and ultrasound will be required before the doctor recommends another set of PT. Actually, my therapist notice something in my back which means that I have 2 kinds of scoliosis kaya baka daw mag letter S ang spinal ko. 
          Another reason why I didn't continue my theraphy is the transportation, nakakapagod mag commute at ang daming overpass mong lalakarin para lang makatawid kaya wala ring sense yung theraphy kasi napagod lang akong mag commute, di ba? Anyway, I'm planning to inquire in the hospital near our area, our neighbor mentioned to us that there's a physical rehabilitation center in that hospital.
   
          •  Another good news - Although my father was diagnosed with heart aneurysm last year, his bypass operation was postponed, check up is required every 3 months to monitor the size of the "buldge' in one of the major vessel of his heart. " Kahit papano nagkaron ako ng relief  knowing my father's condition  is not so critical.

         •  And another bad news - I notice a mass in my abdominal area so I went to the clinic a while ago and the doctor confirmed it. He told me that there's a possibility that my cancer metastasize. I told him that my CA 125 is always within the normal range, why is it that it was not detected? The doctor told me that there is a possibility that its a different cancer and a different tumor marker is needed. Well, I guess I'll be facing Mr. Big C again. Pray for me again guys.

Till then.
God Bless
Have a great day ahead!

My Sari Sari Store Experience Part 3 - Random Thoughts and Updates

          Hello guys, how’s everyone! Well, days are passing quickly because I am getting busier than bee lately. I thought running a sari sari store was easy but it was quite tedious pala. Here are some random thoughts and updates about my sari sari store business:

• I started with only Two Thousand Pesos only (P2,000) as an initial capital.

• I took Barangay Clearance/Permit for my Sari Sari Store and registered it under my mother’s name. “Biruan namin sa bahay” – My mother is the owner, I’m the stockholder and my Kuya is the sales manager.” Three of us were alternately managing my small sari sari store.

• I do the “marketing”. From a minimum wager employee to a "palengke girl". I’ve been going back & forth to wet market today to buy pack products such as pepper, chlorine, tint, oxalate, laurel leaves, tawas etc. and I enjoy doing it.

• I do repacking of cooking oil (5 pesos/pack), dried tuyo (10 pesos/pack), mongo (20 pesos/pack), salt, flour and other products that I can sell in my store.

• I started with the profit gain of P50-P100 per day. So I estimated that I’ll be earning P1,500 to P 3,000 per month. Amazing di ba?

• I started giving my kuya P1,000 per month and paying his SSS contribution (P165/month). It’s one of my goals today that I'd be able to help my brothers establish financial stability. Atleast if anything happens to me I can be assured "kahit papano may konting stability yung dalawang kapatid ko."

• I encourage my Kuya to start business in my store. He is now incharge in “monay bread”, “uling" (charcoal) and smart load (puhunan nya na po yun) . My kuya has been jobless for almost 19 years. "Ewan ko ba masyado syang naniwala at umasa sa mga pangakong kayamanan ni Marcos at mga pangakong biglang yaman ng ibang networking". I’ve been telling him "na huwag umasa sa mga ganyang pangako at di baleng maliit ang kita basta sigurado at araw araw may kinikita."

• I started selling liquor and cigarettes. We had an exchange of opinions about these sin products. My Kuya suggested to sell liquor instead of cigarettes but I prefer selling cigarettes over liquor. He said we’ll be tolerating our neighbors in patronizing cigarettes and it’ll be bad for our health too. I told him that even if I don’t sell it they will still buy it in other stores, di ba? And customers usually buy cigarettes along with coffee, softdrinks, energy drinks and other products like candies, chips, artificial juices – “ika nga maraming kakambal na products ang sigarilyo at alak.” So we came up with an agreement - we set some rules in selling these products -1) Don’t sell cigarette  on minors, 2) Lighting up a cigarette in front of my store is prohibited and 3) Limit selling liquors – I only store 2 kinds of liquor that are usually bought during weekends.

• Candies are magic. I told my mother, "hay naku di ako magtityaga magtinda na centimo lang ang tubo but I realize lately that the gain in selling candies are higher than other products. For example: Frutos is one of the favorite brand of candies in our area while snowbear are the brand of smokers. Did you know that the profit I gain from Frutos is 50% and 33% on snowbear as compared to other products where I add 15-20% only. Again, little profit I gain daily when summed up for a month will have a huge addition to my income.

• “Credit is good but we need cash”. It’s a popular words and it’s actually one of my problems in running a store – I cannot avoid “utang”.  My mother warned me about it. My Kuya told me, “dyan ka mauubos kapag di mo na-control yan. At first, I allowed some customers to borrow but true enough some cannot be trusted with their promises but one thing I’ve learned from my  previous job – I have be diplomatic and civil to your clients  – “di ako naniningil ng direkta pero nakikiusap at binibiro ko sila,” sana po wag na pong umabot ng 5^th monthsary ang listahan ko kahit 100 or 200 kada linggo basta makabawas lang kahit papano, awa ng Diyos na-fully paid din bago ang 5th monthsary, heheh." I now set credit limits and due dates.

• I also endorse products to my customers. Whenever I saw new products in the grocery store that are on sale, I bought it and introduce it to my customers. Whenever there is a particular brand of product that is not available in my store, I usually introduce an alternative brand. Whenever I run out of a product that my customer usually buys in my store I recommend other products to them. ( I’ll try to make a separate post for this topic).

• I sometimes use my teaching skills to kids whenever they buy in my store. I let them think of the "change or sukli", the sum of the products they bought, or throw some multiplication or division question to them and reward them with candies afterwards. "That's the reason why they now call me "Ma'am", heheh.

• I always arrange the products on my store and take note of the expiry dates. Sometimes I would sell it as buy one take the day before it expires or we just consume it at home.

• I was a victim of fake money. You read it right - fake money. "Buti na lang P50 pesos lang, siguro ang sama ng loob ko kung one thousand yun. I now double check the money especially the one thousand & five hundred pesos denomination.

• I can work or rest anytime I want. It's one of the advantage of having your own business at your doorstep. You can eat, lie down and rest anytime you want without the time pressure and obligation to report to your boss. No hassle on traffic, no rush or deadlines and no pressure at work - I just have to provide the things that my customers wants and needs in my store.

          These are some thoughts and updates that I can share to you guys. Thankful to God that He opened another door of opportunity to start a business inside our house.

Till then.
Mamamalengke muna ko guys :)

Have a great day!

God Bless Everybody!

My Sari Sari Store Experience Part 2

         Hello everyone! Here I go again missing my blogging world, "hirap pala ng walang internet sa bahay, mas magastos sa binabayad kong P200 sa kapatid ko dati :).". Anyway, my post today is all about my new found interest. I never thought that life after my Big C Battle will give me a new direction in life, that a businessman inside me will be awaken, and that I'll be interested in running my own mini sari sari store.

My Mini Sari Sari Store -Front Side

My Mini Sari Sari Store - on the side

       

         The first three months was experimental. I needed to establish these primary factors first - familiarity, availability, variety, consistency and affordability.

Familiarity - I became friendly with my neighbors and have a little chat with them during my first few months - I need to know their wants, their needs and their interests. I think there are only 10 families in our area and most of them are working and only few are staying and consistently buying their basic needs in my store so I need to be familiar with the brand of products they want and the kind of products they need.

Availability -  I may not be able to offer all the brand and products they want and need but I try my best to provide it in my store - from coffee, milk, canned goods, soap, shampoo, detergents, fabric conditioner, basic medicines, softdrinks, condinents, charcoal, diapers, biscuits, monay bread, basic school supplies, etc. - everything should be present in my store. 

Variety - I have an approximate 1.2 sq. meter area in my store so I  maximize the area, took advantage of the height to display all the brand of products of every customer in my area.

Affordability- Our house is located in a bit remote area (medyo malayo sa main road at dead end area) , I also have a very small crowd of customer so I need to know their financial capability and align it to the products I'm selling. Basic products should be affordable and lower than price from of other sari sari store.

Consistency - The opening and closing time of the store should be consistent- 5:30am to 6am in the morning and 10pm -11pm in the evening. My mother and my kuya are alternately helping me with the opening and closing of the store. 

         Those were the basic factors that I established first when I was starting my mini sari sari store. The profit or earnings may not be much but I think it's enough to cover some of my financial needs and it's a big help to me since I am still on the process of healing both mentally, physically and emotionally as well.

         Indeed, God is so gracious in redirecting my lives. I may not know what lies ahead but I have faith that God will do amazing things in the future. 

        I'll be posting and sharing more of my sari sari store experience later.
       

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

                                                                                                                     Jeremiah 29:11

          

Guys, I am also open for suggestion here if you have any. Till then.

Have a great day!

The Dog and A Funeral - My 2012 Journal

          It was December 31, 2012, I wasn’t able to go to  church last Sunday so I set an alarm on my cellphone to make sure that I’ll wake up early in the morning and go to church before the year 2012 ends. So I was up @ 6: 30 am with a morning prayer alarm on my cellphone, took a quick shower and have a few minutes walk to Sto Nino Church. I feel so great that morning as I pass through the streets greeting “happy new year”to everyone I met. I saw birds flying  from one tree to another & a butterfly on top of the flower, & a dragonfly on the grass.

          Everyone's so busy that day preparing for the new year’s eve celebration but as I arrive at the gate of the church the atmosphere changed. It was so calm and peaceful there, as I enter the gate of Sto Nino Church I saw only four people, two were outside the church - one is sweeping on the right side , the other one is lighting a candle on the left side and the remaining two were inside praying (wala kasing misa that time).

          What caught my attention was the dog sitting at the hallway near the entrance of the church but he’s friendly enough to let me pass through and sit in the middle of those empty chairs. The atmosphere was so quiet that I can only hear the birds chirping inside the church.  So I just kneel , have a few minutes of prayer & a quiet moment afterwards. Then I began to wonder & think of what the year 2013 holds for me and to prevent myself from being pessimistic again I prayed again then afterwards decided to go home. But when I was about to step outside the church, a funeral band came. The quietness and stillness of the church was greeted by the sound of music from band and when the car and all its company stops they start to prepare for its entrance. That was the only time when the dog stood up and the church workers came to organize them.

          There was nothing extraordinary that day to make me write this journal but it made me realize something. Many of us we’re so busy preparing for the new year celebration while some of us were doing the usual routines. Some are happy because we'll be celebrating the new year with our family and love ones while some are sad because they’ll be celebrating the new year without them. And the dog - I wonder what the dog thinks & feels that day hmm... just kidding.

          Time flies so fast and its been 7 years since I wrote this journal. Its 2019 - earth is revolving faster, people are getting busier, and our minds are getting filled with worries and worldly stuffs, but let us be reminded of the main core of our existence – that God created us to enjoy our lives and to serve HIM with joy in our hearts. So we just have to be still & live our lives just like the dog sitting so relax in front of the altar because at the end of our lives we’re all going to face our creator and everything else will all be just hustle and disguise.

“Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”   Psalm 46:10 NIV

Till then.
Have a great day ahead!
God Bless Everyone!!!

#throwback series post

Great News and Wonderful Gift from God

HELLO EVERYONE!

BELATED MERRY CHRISTMAS

BELATED HAPPY NEW YEAR

BELATED HAPPY THREE KINGS

and

BELATED HAPPY BIRTHDAY to me.

          I miss you all. I miss this blogging world. I miss writing about anything and everything about my Big C battle and my journey to recovery but it seems our internet connection underwent chemo theraphy treatment too, "grabe ang bagal kasi, nakakainis talaga". I've been trying to construct, organize a thought and compose a post but aside poor internet connection, I felt that my brain cells declined already, "ramdam ko na po ang pagkaulyanin ko at hirap humagilap ng sasabihin." that's why it always took me 2 to 3 months to create another blogpost.

          Anyway, I am happy with my new life after my chemo but I admit I still fear the recurrence of Mr. Big C. I've experienced some sleepless nights, neck , back and pelvic pain last year so I told my mother, "mapapanatag at magkakatulog lang siguro ako ng maayos kapag nag-clear ang CT Scan." I've been praying for a good result and finally it happened last December 11. The result of my Whole Abdomen CT Scan is clear, no mass or cysts were seen in my abdominal area, only levoscoliosis and ostheophytes were noted which explains why my pelvic area is aching. I also had pneumonitis findings in my Xray result  which also explains why my back and neck were aching too. The doctor explains to me that it is normal to have those results as after effects of chemo meds. That was really really a great news to me. I felt that my heart jumped with joy when I heard that it from my doctor that day so after my check up we went to the chapel and thanked GOD for HIS wonderful gift last Christmas.

         Christmas, New Year and my Birthday were celebrated with utmost simplicity - we didn't prepare much food for these special occassion - just being alive and well with my family is enough for me to make my those occasion extra special.

         This year, I didn't make any plans or goals for myself. I just to let God plan and decide for my future and do the best I could to start a new life. I do not know what lies ahead but I know that God will do amazing things in my life.

Always To God Be the Glory.
Till then. Have a great Weekend!