More than the Physical Pain

       After my surgical operation and chemotherapy sessions I actually went into depression and anxiety. I've been fighting my own feelings not to feel bad about my condition. During those days, I sometimes felt that everything was worthless, senseless and pointless in life. I wanted to find God's purpose in life but at the same time I was also seeking my own. I was also anxious about my health condition - the fear of reccurence often triggers my own sadness. I wanted to get busy and that gave me an idea to run a sari sari store. At first I was happy that little by little I was getting financially productive not realizing that I was also compromising my health and my lovelife as well.
   
     Yes po my lovelife po ako, it was a long distance relationship which was moved to another level when my OB Gyne advised me that it would be best if I get pregnant but it didn't happen. When I was diagnosed with cancer my whole world went upside down. I was pushing him away telling him--"pede mo na akong iwan, pede ka ng humanap ng iba."  But He insisted- "andito lang ako, mahal na mahal kita basta pagaling ka." I hold on to his words and we were constantly chatting after one year but last year I became quite busy with my sari sari store and unintentionally neglected most of his messages  and his calls.
Subconsciously in my head I was actually testing him, how patient he can be and how far his love would go for me. We had a different religion which was primarily the reason why our relationship was not moved to the next level. We respect each others belief as he would let me go to Quiapo church while He waits outside. He wanted to accompany me to Manoag but often rejected his offer to go there. I would pray to God, "Kung di sya para sa akin, ikaw gumawa ng paraan."

       And then it happened, I notice something different in his attitude last month - "Sabi ko, may bago sa yo". We've been in a relationship for almost 8 years, he's a seaman and usually 3-6 months lang sya dito so most of the time long distance relationship kami. At nung nagka-cancer ako that was also the time na nagkaron ng heart illness ang tatay nya at lupus ang kapatid nya so financially he was not able to support me but he was there for me all through out my treatment bringing fruits and supplements in our house." But I felt something different talaga and when I confronted Him sabi nya nagkaron ng iba pero tapos na raw, sabi nya ako raw ang may kasalanan kasi pinagtutulakan ko sya. And I felt guilty about it so I asked him to compromise but I received no response from Him. 

     I suffered both emotionally and psychologically, I couldn't eat and sleep for a month thinking it was my fault kaya lumayo ang loob nya sa akin. But last Satiurday, I found out something in his FB account. Meron na nga talagang iba, I felt so devastated and the pain is unbearable talaga. 
More than the physical pain that I felt when I underwent surgery and chemotherapy is what I have been suffering today. Sobrang sakit and I often pray to God na matanggal na ang sakit na nararamdaman ko. This time my depression went back,- the feeling of being worthless, senseless and pointless in life is inside my head again.
 
      It's hurting so deep that I've been silently crying for a month and last week my mother already noticed what I've been going through. In my head I wanted to set him free but in my heart I wanted to win him back. My mother convinced me that I have to give him up, that I have to let him go, he was able to do it once he will do it again. "Anak, mas mahalin mo ang sarili mo, hindi sya ang forever mo ako na nanay mo ang forever mo ang magmamahal sa yo hanggang sa dulo." "Hayaan mong ang Diyos ang magbigay sa yo ng lalaking tunay na magmamahal sa yo."

     Today, my health was affected by the emotional and psychological stress that I've experienced for a month. I was so thin that My body weight went down to 45 kgs already. A polyps in  my gallbladder was seen in ultrasound. CT Scan, CA125 and X-ray we're required to be done next month. I hope that my health condition will not worsen and pray for best results.

     "Ang lungkot talaga ng nararamdaman ko ngayon" and it's the reason why I wrote this blog. I couldn't conceal the pain inside, I need some release. Medyo magulo po ang write ups ko, magulo rin po kasi ang utak ko. pagpacenciahan nyo na po.



Till then!